Today was my first way in on Calorie King.. the site I am using to help me on my weight loss journey. They help with meal plans and have heaps of helpful information and supportive people.. all of whom are going on a similar journey.
So every week you ‘check in’ – update your weight and measurements. Because I decided I wanted to do my check in on Mondays it has been less than a week since I started.. about 5 days. My starting weight I got from my doctor’s scale.. today I weighed myself on our scales. I am not entirely convinced of their accuracy, although this afternoon my mum told me they were pretty good. They aren’t digital, so minor weight losses are not going to register as well as they could. Anyway.. according to our scales I lost 5 kg. That was taken first thing in the morning in my pjs. I did it again after I came home from running around doing ‘errands’ and eating and got 4.5kg. So I’m saying I lost 4kg. A lot more than I was aiming for, but I am still pleased. I am also aware that it is unlikely I will get numbers like that very often if ever again LOL.
I bought myself a pedometer today too… it talks! It was fairly cheap, but I think will help determine how much I burn whilst walking around all over town taking the little one to Kindy and Daycare and doing errands. I do not have a car, so I walk or use public transport. It is sort of funny walking along and suddenly this voice from my hip goes ‘1000 steps’ LOL.
Now on to my revelation. Today was also my monthly counselling session. I have suffered from depression and a dissociative disorder for many years which stems from abuse as a child. These sessions are great for me to refocus, and to unload. And sometimes things come up that are like a lightbulb. Today was one of those days.
Being fat is a very effective barrier. People do not often look past the fat to the person inside, do not consider there may be things going on that have contributed to them being where they are. This is fine by me, was fine by me.. it meant I could be dissociative without worry. I hide behind my fat. But I am also slowly killing myself. I am sabotaging myself. I am committing suicide very slowly and quietly so no one will really notice and I can just ‘not be there’. Well that was until last Wednesday.. when I realised I do not want to kill myself, I want to be here. I am not going to go quietly. I want to see my children grow up and have families of their own.
This may not seem like a major revelation, but it really does indicate a turning point in my mental illness. It means I am no longer waiting for things to happen, I am taking action. Taking action is what changes things.. not waiting. The ‘right time’ doesnt just happen, you have to make it happen.