My weight loss journey is currently on hold.. I am trying not to let things blow out… but other things have made themselves a priority.
The main aspect of this is my mental health. I have been living with depression and a dissociative disorder for many years, both of which have their roots in events that began 30 years ago.
The last 9 months or so have been traumatic for me, starting with the loss of my dear dear friend Sofie, who I wrote about last year. Since then there have been several more losses, both for me and for those who are close to me and mean a lot to me. All of these passings have been difficult, shocking and unexpected. The one that I might have expected has not occurred as yet (my dear grandfather who has terminal cancer).
All of this has caused a relapse of my depression, which I pretty much had under control and well managed.
Depression is a difficult thing, but it is also interesting. As part of my treatment I see a wonderful therapist, someone I have been seeing on and off over the last 6 years or so. In my last session I was talking about the world inside my head as a way of trying to understand where I am and where I need to go.
Hence the title of this post.. yarn balls and a dark box.
I am currently in the dark box. Inside with me are all the tools and tips and tricks I have learnt over the years to manage my depression. None of them seems to currently be able to crack the box open. Eventually one will get it open and then the work really begins.
Outside the box is a world populated with giant yarn balls, massive tangles that need unknotting in order to move forward. Some are fairly easy to sort out, but others are complex and tiring and difficult. Sometimes it gets so hard that the dark box looks very attractive. Things are simple in there.
Over time I progress forward and I begin to feel ‘better’ and begin to relax. Then I glance over my shoulder and it is right there.. the dark box. No matter how far forward I feel I have moved.. it is just there.. beckoning, calling. And then I look forward and I recognise yarn balls I already untangled.
If the outside world is going well, then I can knuckle down and keep moving forward.. but if things go crazy, or bad things happen, then the box looks more attractive than ever. I figure I can just duck in there and rest up.. but this is a mistake. Things might be simple in the box but it is enervating. And the yarn balls grow and tangle while I am in there.
Sometimes I get so tired, so drained, so unhappy in my head.