I had a wake up call the other day. I had a doctor’s appointment to have a general check up, and in the course of it the doctor weighed me. She knows I hate to be weighed and I didn’t look when she did it. I know I’m overweight, and I had a pretty good idea what it was going to say. The doctor had to leave the room for a couple of minutes and I was looking at my file on her computer. And there is was.. my weight.. in black and white. Im not overweight… I’m not even obese.. I’m morbidly obese. My 163cm frame is carrying a whopping 129.5kg. My chances of becoming a diabetic are very high, as well as the risks of heart disease and the stress it puts on my body.
Now the reasons behind getting to this weight are complex, and not just due to overeating and being sedentary. I have hypothyroidism which developed whilst I was pregnant, but was not diagnosed until 3 months after I had my youngest. Previous to getting pregnant I had lost a fair amount of weight and kept it off for nearly 4 years, I was pretty active and my diet whilst not the healthiest, was pretty good, lots of vegetables, low fat just about everything.
So during my last pregnancy I started to put on weight, and there didn’t really seem to be a reason, and for the first time ever I was putting on weight around my upper abdomen..previously all weight seemed to go straight to my lower belly, butt and thighs. I had every intention of getting back into walking after I had my daughter, even bought a jogging type stroller. I certainly hadn’t counted on having no energy at all. I knew I would be tired, this was baby number 5 after all, but this was very different.
I would get up in the morning, get the older kids off to school, then go back to bed until lunchtime.. my little one lying next to me or being looked after by my mum. Then I’d get up and have a shower, then rest on the lounge for most of the rest of the day. I did very little… could do very little. My arms got gradually more and more weak.
Eventually I realised there was something wrong, went to the doctor, had a blood test and suddenly learned that I wasn’t just being lazy.. my body was ‘broken’. My doctor told me my thyroid related levels were probably the lowest she had seen. My thyroid is not underactive.. it is inactive, useless, borked. Which means medication for life.. I can live with that (not much choice really!)
So during this time I put on a lot of weight, which made me feel bad about myself, which brought up a whole heap of ‘old’ issues, which led to me becoming depressed again, which led to overeating.. yeah vicious cycle really.
My ‘baby’ is now four, she is beginning to take steps to independence, learning how to talk, expressing herself. The other day she said ‘mummy is fat, I’m not going to be fat like mummy’. Ouch!
So no more denial, no more ‘waiting for the right time’.. I’m making this the right time. I am going to lose weight. I want to see my kids grow up, I want grandchildren.
So here I am in all my 129.5kg glory….
This is the last time I will be this big. I will never let myself go like this ever again. I fully expect that sometimes I will fall off the cart, but I will pick myself up and get back on. I will hold myself accountable for everything I put in my mouth. I will move this big butt more and more.
I’m not after miracle weight loss, I don’t want a quick fix. I am going to work my butt off.. literally. It will not be quick, it will not be painless.. but it will be worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every uneaten chocolate bar.
If you are interested in seeing how this journey goes, then feel free to keep an eye on my blog. I am going to attempt to update it at least once a week.. even if just a few words.