Weigh In Week 2

Im a few days late with this post. Life gets hectic… ok, I got sucked into Fable 2! Anyway, I am finally here.
Monday was my second weigh in. I went with what the scales at home said, which would make my weight 124kg. This means I lost 1.5kg last week. This is actually quite impressive to me, considering the week I had.

On the Wednesday I found out that a doctor I had a few years back ended his own life. This came as a huge shock. This doctor, Paul Lehmann, had a huge impact on my life and the life of my family.
When I first met him he was pretty much fresh out of medical school. He was probably the youngest doctor I had ever seen. One of the first things I noticed was that he knew how to type, and not that one finger deal the older doctors were doing. And he wasn’t watching his fingers. Funny how you remember little things.
What he did for me was diagnose my PND. I had probably had it since I had my twins back in 1995, but it wasn’t diagnosed until after I had my fourth son in 2000. He helped me get the help I needed and for that I will always be grateful.
When my partner hurt his back at work a few years later he was unhappy with the response of the first doctor he went to. So I recommended Dr Lehmann to him as someone who would listen and take action. The first doctor had handed him a script for painkillers and told him to rest for 6 months. Dr Lehmann explored other medical treatments and helped him get a proper diagnosis. He also stood up for him in meetings with Work Cover (notorious for not taking the ‘client’s’ needs into account). Unfortunately my partner’s back injury has not been resolved, but it is certainly better than it would have been, thanks to Dr Lehmann.
Dr Lehmann was a fierce campaigner for Mental Health services, and is considered the reason behind one of the biggest injections of funds into the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service in South Australia.
What wasn’t known as much is that he battled depression himself. Even with all his knowledge, and his intelligence when he was in the darkest depths of depression he could not see clearly and acted in a way he would not normally.
He was a wonderful man and doctor and will be sorely missed. His funeral was yesterday, and it was standing room only, and very moving. I extend my deepest condolences to his family and friends.

It has been a sad week for many around me, and for me myself. However, I did not use this as an excuse to over indulge. I did eat a bit more on a couple of occasions, but stuck to ‘healthier’ options. I noticed another physical sign of changing size too, my bras fit better (probably too much information LOL). I also bought myself some new sneakers which make walking a lot more comfortable.

Now we face forward towards another week. Until then – ciao!

Weigh in one and a revelation.

Today was my first way in on Calorie King.. the site I am using to help me on my weight loss journey. They help with meal plans and have heaps of helpful information and supportive people.. all of whom are going on a similar journey.
So every week you ‘check in’ – update your weight and measurements. Because I decided I wanted to do my check in on Mondays it has been less than a week since I started.. about 5 days. My starting weight I got from my doctor’s scale.. today I weighed myself on our scales. I am not entirely convinced of their accuracy, although this afternoon my mum told me they were pretty good. They aren’t digital, so minor weight losses are not going to register as well as they could. Anyway.. according to our scales I lost 5 kg. That was taken first thing in the morning in my pjs. I did it again after I came home from running around doing ‘errands’ and eating and got 4.5kg. So I’m saying I lost 4kg. A lot more than I was aiming for, but I am still pleased. I am also aware that it is unlikely I will get numbers like that very often if ever again LOL.
I bought myself a pedometer today too… it talks! It was fairly cheap, but I think will help determine how much I burn whilst walking around all over town taking the little one to Kindy and Daycare and doing errands. I do not have a car, so I walk or use public transport. It is sort of funny walking along and suddenly this voice from my hip goes ‘1000 steps’ LOL.

Shrinking Me

Now on to my revelation. Today was also my monthly counselling session. I have suffered from depression and a dissociative disorder for many years which stems from abuse as a child. These sessions are great for me to refocus, and to unload. And sometimes things come up that are like a lightbulb. Today was one of those days.

Being fat is a very effective barrier. People do not often look past the fat to the person inside, do not consider there may be things going on that have contributed to them being where they are. This is fine by me, was fine by me.. it meant I could be dissociative without worry. I hide behind my fat. But I am also slowly killing myself. I am sabotaging myself. I am committing suicide very slowly and quietly so no one will really notice and I can just ‘not be there’. Well that was until last Wednesday.. when I realised I do not want to kill myself, I want to be here. I am not going to go quietly. I want to see my children grow up and have families of their own.
This may not seem like a major revelation, but it really does indicate a turning point in my mental illness. It means I am no longer waiting for things to happen, I am taking action. Taking action is what changes things.. not waiting. The ‘right time’ doesnt just happen, you have to make it happen.

Baby Steps to begin a new journey.

I had a wake up call the other day. I had a doctor’s appointment to have a general check up, and in the course of it the doctor weighed me. She knows I hate to be weighed and I didn’t look when she did it. I know I’m overweight, and I had a pretty good idea what it was going to say. The doctor had to leave the room for a couple of minutes and I was looking at my file on her computer. And there is was.. my weight.. in black and white. Im not overweight… I’m not even obese.. I’m morbidly obese. My 163cm frame is carrying a whopping 129.5kg. My chances of becoming a diabetic are very high, as well as the risks of heart disease and the stress it puts on my body.
Now the reasons behind getting to this weight are complex, and not just due to overeating and being sedentary. I have hypothyroidism which developed whilst I was pregnant, but was not diagnosed until 3 months after I had my youngest. Previous to getting pregnant I had lost a fair amount of weight and kept it off for nearly 4 years, I was pretty active and my diet whilst not the healthiest, was pretty good, lots of vegetables, low fat just about everything.
So during my last pregnancy I started to put on weight, and there didn’t really seem to be a reason, and for the first time ever I was putting on weight around my upper abdomen..previously all weight seemed to go straight to my lower belly, butt and thighs. I had every intention of getting back into walking after I had my daughter, even bought a jogging type stroller. I certainly hadn’t counted on having no energy at all. I knew I would be tired, this was baby number 5 after all, but this was very different.
I would get up in the morning, get the older kids off to school, then go back to bed until lunchtime.. my little one lying next to me or being looked after by my mum. Then I’d get up and have a shower, then rest on the lounge for most of the rest of the day. I did very little… could do very little. My arms got gradually more and more weak.
Eventually I realised there was something wrong, went to the doctor, had a blood test and suddenly learned that I wasn’t just being lazy.. my body was ‘broken’. My doctor told me my thyroid related levels were probably the lowest she had seen. My thyroid is not underactive.. it is inactive, useless, borked. Which means medication for life.. I can live with that (not much choice really!)
So during this time I put on a lot of weight, which made me feel bad about myself, which brought up a whole heap of ‘old’ issues, which led to me becoming depressed again, which led to overeating.. yeah vicious cycle really.
My ‘baby’ is now four, she is beginning to take steps to independence, learning how to talk, expressing herself. The other day she said ‘mummy is fat, I’m not going to be fat like mummy’. Ouch!
So no more denial, no more ‘waiting for the right time’.. I’m making this the right time. I am going to lose weight. I want to see my kids grow up, I want grandchildren.
So here I am in all my 129.5kg glory….

This is the last time I will be this big. I will never let myself go like this ever again. I fully expect that sometimes I will fall off the cart, but I will pick myself up and get back on. I will hold myself accountable for everything I put in my mouth. I will move this big butt more and more.
I’m not after miracle weight loss, I don’t want a quick fix. I am going to work my butt off.. literally. It will not be quick, it will not be painless.. but it will be worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every uneaten chocolate bar.

If you are interested in seeing how this journey goes, then feel free to keep an eye on my blog. I am going to attempt to update it at least once a week.. even if just a few words.